Thursday, January 8, 2015

the Nevers

We never finished reading Fortunately, the Milk by Neil Gaiman. Cassie fell asleep the night I finished it, so I read the rest to Walt. Cassie never heard the end of the story.

Cassie never got to see Frozen, or Welcome to Nightvale live in New Orleans. 

Cassie never got to be 17.

Cassie was loved by so many people. She had the dearest, most fiercely loyal, and smart, creative, amazing friends any girl could ask for. 

Cassie got to meet her favorite band, Ludo. 

Cassie got to fall in love and spend a year and a half with her partner in crime, Max.

Cassie got to see the last Harry Potter movie at midnight on opening night with me.

Cassie got to help make many other children happy by holding a toy drive to give Christmas presents to homeless children. 

Cassie never got to have a child of her own, but she loved Ariana and River as if they were hers. 

Cassie never got to see the ocean, but it will always make me think of her, my little Waverider mermaid kitty witch girl. 

One year. It's been the longest, darkest, hardest year of my life. I miss her even more now than I ever thought possible. This year has rendered me down to the marrow of my bones. Stripped my identity, my life, torn me asunder. 

I keep going because I have another child to raise. I keep going because I have plans. There will be glitter in Baton Rouge. Cassie's name will be synonymous with cat ears, and kindness. Cassie's memory will fuel fundraising for a cure for Epidermolysis Bullosa. 

Cassie didn't lose her fight to EB. Her fight is only beginning. Her name and memory will live on and be an appeal, an entreaty, a blessing. She lives on in our hearts, our deeds, in the the kindness we show others and the simple joy of feeling the sun on our skin. 

It's been one year. One long, hard, impossibly painful year. I don't know how I'll survive the next, but I will. Cassie's body wouldn't let her do all the good works that she wanted, so she passed the torch to us. I'll keep carrying it as long as I have breath in my body.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. -” 
― Joseph Campbell

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