Sunday, November 23, 2014

It's very hard to wrap my head around the idea that it's almost Thanksgiving. I remember last year so clearly; listening to Welcome to Nightvale with Cassie on the way to Christina's house for dinner, Cassie thinking there was too much nutmeg in the pumpkin pie, then going to Walgreens to shop for toys for the toy drive the kids did for St. Vincent DePaul. I didn't realize then what a perfect day it was. I didn't know how few we would have left. That less than two months later she'd be gone. I wish I could remember every word she said, every look on her face. What she wore that day. I wish I could hold that day in my hand and stroke it like a kitten and thank it for existing, for the last time that Cassie and I left the house together just to do something fun. Our little shopping trip to Walgreens, where we bought Monster High dolls and makeup sets to give to little girls at the homeless shelter.

 I wish I could hold my baby girl one more time. I miss her so badly. I wish I had had the presence of mind to sing to her as she took her last breaths. It haunts me that I didn't. But all I could do was stutter out a few words through my tears. I hope she didn't sense how sad and afraid I was. I hope all she felt was how much she was loved.

 We're not really doing Thanksgiving this year. Or Christmas. Tyra and I are collecting toys that we're going to donate to the St. Jude affiliate clinic where Cassie was a patient, but that's it. I don't have it in me to pretend I would find any pleasure in the holidays this year. I don't know that I could survive it, much less enjoy it.

 I stay pretty busy with work now, and that keeps me up and moving and functional. It gets me out of bed each day. But I can't say that I'm in a place where I feel pleasure or happiness in my life yet, that I feel any sense of purpose. I get up each day because this muscle in my chest keeps pushing blood through my veins, and the sun wakes me up each day, and so I'll continue to get up and function for as long as that happens. I just can't say when, or if, I'll be glad about it again.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Thursday, November 20, 2014

New Normal-ish

It's been quite a while since I posted. I feel like I don't have the words for what I'm feeling most of them time, so I just don't. I have a job now, Walt has made the decision to transition genders and lives as Tyra now, and is back in public school. The job keeps me busy and keeps my mind occupied, but Cassie is there, every minute of every day. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I heard her voice or hugged her. I ache for her. The idea of facing Christmas looms larger every day, and I wonder if I can handle it, or if I'm just going to hide in bed that day.

 We're trying hard to stay positive. We have a couple of events going on to honor Cassie's memory this holiday season, but neither is garnering much attention and I admit that's pretty discouraging. So I'm listing them all here in hopes people will see them and be interested in participating. The first is or "All we want for Christmas is a Cure" t-shirts that Cassie designed herself last year. We have to sell a minimum of 10 for them to print, and we've sold 8 so far. Here is the link if you would like to order one: All we want for Christmas is a Cure

Our next project is collecting Monster High dolls to donate to the St. Jude Affiliate Clinic in Baton Rouge. The took such good care of Cassie, and always had a Monster High doll in their toy closet for her. In December they give christmas gifts to every child who visits the clinic, so we want to help make that possible. We have a wish list of dolls up on Amazon that you can purchase from:Christmas just got Creepy in honor of Cassie England

And last but definitely not least, we have started a Facebook page to try to get more attention for the Black Hat movie. Specifically, to get us on the Ellen Degeneres show to talk about Cassie, EB, and the movie. Please join the page, like, share, and leave lots of comments on the posts. The way facebook works now, "engagement" matters a lot, the more comments and interaction on a post, the more of your followers see the post. Cassie England and Black Hat Anime on the Ellen Show

Thank you all of your support and love. The love of our friends have definitely kept me and Tyra afloat this year as we try to create a new routine, a new life really. We're so grateful for everyone who has been there for us. I know I ask a lot. There are so many things I want to do to honor Cassie's memory. I love you all for standing at my side as I do this. ~Logan