Wednesday, June 4, 2014

And some say that it loops forever this road that I lose you on every time...

People often tell me that one day it won't hurt quite so much. Or that it'll hurt, but it won't be unbearable. I mostly believe them. But it's hard to function waiting for "one day" to happen. Six months from now, a year, twenty. Who knows when that one day will come. I don't. I know that right now, five months after my daughter's death, there are days where I think I can't stand five more minutes of my life without her. Days where my next breath feels like too much. Moments when I miss her so desperately that I want to yell at whatever powers that be that if this was some kind of test to see how much I could endure, I'm crying uncle.

I can't really think about the future. Not right now. Not until that "one day" happens. I'm only 42 years old. The concept of 30 years of life without Cassie is unbearable. The idea that I could want to live that long hurting this much is unfathomable. So I don't look to far ahead. Lots of days I don't look any further ahead than when I can climb into bed at night and wake up 8 hours closer to the day I don't have to live without her anymore. I know that sounds morbid and horrible, but it's true.

To keep my mind occupied, to give myself a reason to get out of bed every day, I'm trying hard to do things that I know Cassie would want me to do. I'm helping run a raffle for our dear friend Jessica Gray to go on a spiritual retreat to Hawaii. Jessica has been undergoing breast cancer treatment for the last two years, and I know Cassie would have wanted me to help her. She loved Jessica like another mother. Jessica officiated her memorial service, was her mentor and teacher and Cassie loved her dearly. I do too. She brought a lot of magic and glitter and happiness into my little girl's life, and she's been a rock for me when she's going through so much herself. I'm grateful to have such incredible friends. If anyone reading this would like to know more and purchase a raffle ticket, you can read Jessica's blog here: Transformer of Poisons and you can purchase a raffle ticket or donate here: Support Jessica.

I'm new to this fundraising thing. But I know I want to do things in my daughter's name that I know would have made her happy. I want to do what I can to brighten lives in her memory, so that her name is forever associated with kindness and generosity. Thank you for helping me do that. Thank you for helping me get through the days.
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