It's been almost three months since you died and it's no easier to accept than it was the moment you died. I knew your entire life that I would lose you someday, but it never felt real. I never accepted that. It was just as shocking that you died as if you'd been perfectly healthy and should have lived a hundred years. I miss you more with every day that passes. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. Because I just miss you more the longer I go without seeing your sweet face or hearing your voice, kissing your cheeks and hearing you laugh.
With you gone it becomes more and more apparent how every aspect of my life was about you, because without you, Cassie, it is so very empty. I am empty. You were my purpose and my reason. I look now for a new sense of purpose and it's so hard to do when it all seems so unimportant. I keep getting up every day and functioning because I know you would want me to. I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
1 comment:
My dear sir, your words are raw pain. Truth, naked, and agonising the read. But I honour your honesty, and let it be known that my heart breaks too. I sort of knew Cassie from birth - as much as one can via the internet and one's wife.
You story unfolded like so many bloody bandages, and we all knew, there would be a terrible end ... but it still came awfully swiftly. We cried here in Australia, and hugged. It was aweful.
I'm sorry I cannot give you a single thing. No magic can fix this. Some things stay broken for ever after.
Hold on to everything that matters the past and the present. And the kindness that abounds.
- Ged (& Anna too)
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